Remember When
by friendlyneighborhoodlorelai
Summary: PostPartings. And Lorelai knew she didn’t want to keep living in dreams, in dreams of the past, the present and the future. Flashbacks and dreams chronicle the romance & reconciliation of Luke & Lorelai, also detail Lorelai & Rory's relationship.
1. Revelations

Hey all! This is my first fan fiction. Thanks to all my friends for listening to me endlessly discuss L & L. This story has been such a labor of love for me and I hope you enjoy it! Being a die-hard JJ, this season will be hard, so I pour everything into this story and my faith in L & L! So, since this is my first fic, PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE review/critique! I'm dying to know people's opinion & of course, reviews help motivate more chapters. Yes, that's a bribe people...so enjoy and review please :)

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_It wasn't supposed to be like this, but you know that…at least I know you used to know that…._

Lorelai set the letter to her side, feeling her whole body go limp. Her eyelids drooped as she felt the weight of her thoughts released, finally captured on paper, somehow cathartic and painful at the same time. Carefully moving the letter further from her path, she allowed herself to fall from her vertical writing position to flat on her back. Lying on her back, she was acutely aware of the strain she had been carrying. It was the accumulation of stress and pain from the past seven months. Lying on their comforter, her muscles finally seemed to relax, the strain lessening, the release feeling just like the cool relief after the burn of Bengay. Sighing deeply, she closed her eyes and swiftly grabbed the pillow to her left—his pillow, she instantly thought. Holding it tightly on her stomach, Lorelai attempted to warm and ease the knots that were rapidly forming and contorting her insides. Breathing in deeply, she desperately attempted to extract any lingering scent remaining on the pillow. A vain effort, she knew, but hope was all she knew at this moment. Whether it was her imagination, pure exhaustion or truth, Lorelai swore she smelt his intoxicating scent. To her, that scent was better than coffee and more vital than oxygen. She let out a small sigh as a smile attempted to play on her lips. She repressed it, however and instead, finally allowed the exhaustion and quasi-peace to ease her into sleep.

Around two in the morning, the cool, crisp Connecticut air shooting into the bedroom awakened Lorelai. Blinking furiously, she instantly popped up, wanting to relive her dream. Rory was there, she knew that. They were home, before the remodeling. He was fixing their refrigerator, which was emitting a horrid sound that the girls had come to mock incessantly, leading him to work on it for five hours straight in the desperate (and in vain) hope that when the sound went away, so would their incessant repetition of it. As he left, he quickly kissed Lorelai on the lips. That had been it, simple, but blissful. Lorelai contemplated her dream, clinging to the feeling of his presence, basking in its comfort and peace. But it was only a dream. And Lorelai knew she didn't want to keep living in dreams, in dreams of the past, the present and the future. Shifting onto her side, she looked at the letter. Remarkably, it had stayed untouched all night, perfectly preserved and only slightly water-stained with her tears.

Despite her recent lack of trust in impulsive decisions, Lorelai leaped out of bed, taking the letter with her. Throwing on her jacket, Lorelai tied her hair into a loose ponytail as she made her way down the stairs. Her movement was swift and graceful, as if she was gliding more than walking. She felt determined, strong. However, the cool metal of her car keys sent a jolt through her, making her keenly aware of the importance of the task before her. Her stomach ached and her kneecaps felt jelly-like. Leaning herself against the table in her living room, Lorelai suddenly felt the chill in the air. Had she really gone all night without the heater on? Puzzled, she tried to recall the last time she had adjusted the temperature in her house. How long had she been numb to the cold, to the pain, to herself? Suddenly, she realized the ache and contortions in her stomach had nothing to do with anxiety, sickness or even hormones. Instead, it was the result of a hollowness within. She had been living a shell-life, passing through the motions. As much as she wanted nothing more than to run to him, tell him all the things she wrote, every new revelation, she knew it was all too fresh. She was still so fragile, afraid the slightest slight from him would crush her nerve, shattering her confidence in them, in herself. Strange, she thought. Even he had once marveled at her confidence, but when it came to him, Lorelai was a tapestry of insecurities. Checking her watch, she was surprised that only twenty minutes had passed since she awoke. The gravity of her revelations had seemed to slow time down, making minutes into hours.

Stiffening her arms, she shifted her weight from her heels towards her toes slowly, as if to test her balance. Walking as if she was treading water, Lorelai made her way to the closet. She stood, motionless, before the doors, as if she was waiting for permission to enter. In a way, she was. She needed to reconcile herself with what was, what had happened, what could happen. Pulling her hands together, her fingers fidgeted, inducing the tingling that transpires after one awakens numb tissue. Looking down at her hands, she realized she was playing with her left ring finger. She could almost feel the weight on it. After a few more seconds of this, she disentangled her fingers and reached for the doorknob. There it was. The Luke box. It wasn't hidden or pilled with heavy coats. Instead, it was center and exposed. Air rapidly filled her lungs and Lorelai quickly blew it out, cutting the silence that had blanketed her. She swiftly knelt down, shoving her hand into the box, keeping her eyes parallel, away from the memories that threatened to rise at sight. Clenching her hand around the soft fabric, she brought it out and into her line of sight. Her thumb skimmed the rim of the cap. The hallowness began to creep back into her stomach and Lorelai flinched, her legs sending her up to her normal height. No more regret, she thought. Marching back to the desk, she pulled out an envelope, scrawling his name across the front. As she licked the envelope shut, the normally bitter taste of the lining felt sweet. She closed her eyes, imaging their first kiss, the lingering taste and sensation replaying in her mind. For the first time in so long, Lorelai genuinely smiled.

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Rory was furious. When she and her mother fought, it was like words became weaponry. How could she be so blind? So careless?

Rory knew that Lorelai had been suffering during her and Luke's last months as a couple, but she never thought it would escalate to this. Despite all her previous idealistic notions of having her parents finally reunited, Rory was surprisingly disappointed by Christopher and Lorelai's recent romantic involvement. To be clique, it was a recipe for disaster. And there was something else upsetting in this mess, something she dare not share with Lorelai or her father—Rory missed Luke. In all the years of Christopher's absence, Rory had unknowingly come to rely upon her relationship with Luke. Her devotion and love for him had never become so apparent as when she cut off Chris after the disastrous scene at the wedding. At first she believed that it was merely an act of solidarity with her mother, but Rory knew it was more than that. Only one person had ever penetrated the Gilmore girls inner circle. Luke had been an everyday presence in both of their lives, not just as a coffee provider and a handyman, but as a sounding board, a solid shoulder. He fit in their world, and perhaps, Rory thought, was centrally located in it.

Her father had never fit. As of lately, however, he had been desperately trying to fit. Christopher had seemed, before that night in May, to be growing up. Rory was grateful. She was finally on amicable terms with her father, being able to call him, include him in her life. And before that fateful night, her parents appeared to be friends, and more than that, Chris seemed to respect Lorelai and her new relationship. Her anger had been sizable when she heard the details of Lorelai and Luke's break-up. Her father's involvement infuriated her, however, she had to admit, that after that night, he had acted in every honorable way. He was good to Lorelai and good to her. He made every effort to make them a family, to show he'd changed and could be that guy.

But Rory knew, it was all in vain. After all, if anyone could understand the somewhat twisted mind of Lorelai Gilmore it would be her daughter.

_"Mom, I want you to be happy, you know that!"_

"_And what Rory? I can't be happy with your dad? Why not? He's good to me." Lorelai stomped over to fridge in the Dragonfly, grabbing her emergency stash of mocha ice cream. Grabbing a spoon, she shoveled a huge piece into her mouth. These weekly conversations were exhausting. Lorelai liked a good ice cream binge like the next person, but being constantly interrogated by her daughter was starting to get annoying. _

_Rory had to surpress a smile, as she reached over to her mother and grabbed the spoon out of her hand. Digging deep, she almost doubled the size of the scoop Lorelai had downed. It wasn't exactly pleasant to have a come-to-Jesus talk with her mother what seemed like every other visit, but it had to be done. Taking a breath, Rory started talking with a speed and conviction that she normally reserved for her grandparents or Paris. "Exactly! Dad is finally coming around…you two have a shot at a real relationship. He's talking to me about the future, wanting to move in together, making you a permanent fixture in Gigi's life. He's ready!" Rory inhaled, as she watched her mother's eyes dart around the room. There it was, Rory thought. Validation that Lorelai wasn't in this relationship, let alone anywhere since Luke. Drawing breath again, she continued, "But you're not ready, are you? I can tell by the way you're biting your lip. You know, I got most of my nervous habits from you mom." Lorelai relaxed her clenched face. "You're just not ready because you're still not over it….gosh, Mom, you really can't see it can you?" _

"_Call me Helen Keller!" Lorelai shouted, lifting her arms up in the air. Her arm movements had been so quick and violent that the spoon had flown out of her hand, making a loud resounding bell sound as it crashed into the floor. _

_Rory's eyes widened in frustration as she saw her mother fighting with all reason. "Please! For once, just be honest with yourself….you're still in lov—"_

"_No! Don't you even say it Lorelai Gilmore!" With that Lorelai power walked over to the coffee pot. Lorelai didn't believed in anything resembling exercise, but this, this she considered sprinting for. Drinking the warm liquid, she breathed deep, believing in its powers to quell the rising anger in her gut. _

_Rory shook her head, taking this as more proof of her mother's denial. "You can't live in denial. It's such a lie—denial is not a safe place to be! In fact, it's dangerous, deadly! It's lions, tigers and bears, oh my! C'mon mom, you told me yourself! You never loved anyone until Luke. And he still loves you! God, why can't I make you hear me for the umpteenth time!"_

_Lorelai shook her head, frustrated with her daughter's innate stubbornness, a stubbornness she knew she inherited from her mother, and frighteningly enough, her mother inherited from her mother. After five months of being in a relationship with Christopher, Rory still wouldn't give up on bringing up Luke._

"_You really want me to run to Luke…after all that he said to me. It's over Rory, I've accepted it and now you need to. Even Ben and Jen broke up. That's life. Stop saying 'I want you to be happy' and just accept that I am. I was engaged, you don't just get over that. But I've moved on and I'm the happiest I've been in months. Let me enjoy Vince!"_

"_Happier than when you were with Luke?" Rory instantly knew this question was out of line and regretted asking. She knew the honest answer would be no, but she knew Lorelai never-loose-an-argument Gilmore wouldn't admit defeat. Whipping her head to the side, Rory felt she was making her mother lie to her and she couldn't bear to witness that. _

_Instead of a responding immediately, Lorelai placed her hands firmly on her hips, squaring her shoulders and seeming to glue her feet to the ground. Rory knew this stance, Lorelai was preparing for battle, putting up her shield and waving the red flag. Fine, let's go, Rory thought._

"_Rory, I'm happy. End of story." With this statement Lorelai flattened her hand at her hip, sweeping it across her body, emphasizing her point._

"_Really?" Rory didn't mean to chuckle as this word escaped her mouth, but she did. She was teetering on the point of utter frustration and her words were beginning to drip with sarcasm, brimming with her sadness and anger._

"_Yes Regis, that is my final answer." Lorelai returned, matching, if not, topping her daughter's surly tone. _

"_But, you—" _

_However, before Rory could gain any speed with her words, her mother placed her hand to her mouth, stunning her into silence. Lorelai slowly removed her hand from Rory's face. She hated that they argued like this. Cupping Rory's face with both hands now, she lightly kissed her daughter's cheek. Backing away from her, Lorelai's words become softer. "Rory, my heart, I'm not having this conversation with you."_

"_No! You don't get to do that, you don't get to dictate this conversation." Rory suddenly felt taller, as she noticed her shoulders now square, her body now imitated her mother's previous stance. New stance, new stance, Rory thought as she peered down at the ground. As a new angle came to her, her head popped up as the words spilled out of her mouth, threatening to strangle each other. "So fine, we won't talk about your happiness. How about my father's happiness? Or Luke's?"_

"_Your father…what? Rory! He's happy, we're happy, we're doing fine. And what do you mean Luke's happiness? He made it perfectly clear to me that him being happy had nothing to do with me being in his life." Lorelai paused briefly, as she had to force herself not to fall into the memory of their street fight. Shaking her head tightly and slightly violently, she continued on. "Now let me and your father just be."_

"_I can't. I can't watch dad get all these hopes and notions of picked white fences like the Cleavers, knowing you're not really in it. And as for Luke, that's not what he said to me!" Oh crap, Rory thought. Had she really just divulged that bombshell? Lorelai had never taken well to other people interfering in her life (although she felt the need to do just that)._

"_What? Did you talk to Luke about me?" Lorelai looked at her daughter, holding her gaze. Lorelai felt a lump rise in her throat and reminded herself to breath when she notice that both her and Rory were standing breathless. Thousands of questions flooded Lorelai's mind. When? Why? Who called for the meeting? What did he say? Lorelai reached her hand out and her fingers fumbled to find the edge of the kitchen counter. Once she did, she latched on, her weight shifting, as she noticed her knees suddenly unable to support her tiny frame. As a cloud of confusion settled over her, she suddenly remembered Rory's presence and forced herself to disregard her ardent desire to endlessly probe her daughter for answers._

_Rory knew something had changed in Lorelai's gaze, it suddenly looked softer, as she nervously awaited her answer. And then Rory saw it, the naked vulnerability rarely seen in the eyes of Lorelai Gilmore—something she'd only seen twice before, when she lost Luke the first time and Rory to the Gilmores._

"_Yes, I did. I'm sorry…but oh mom, if you could just see yourself now. Please, think about this. Go home and think."_

_Think about what? Lorelai screamed in her head. Did he say something---No! She cut herself off from this line of thought immediately. She refused to go down this road again. After all it was laden with potholes and Lorelai knew that she might not survive another trip. Sighing, she feigned a smile and said in her best uppity voice, "No, I won't go home, I won't think about this. I have a date with your father."_

"_No you don't." Rory's voice was low, but firm._

"_What?" Lorelai's brow furred in suspicion. "Rory, what did you do?"_

"_I called dad and said I needed you for the night and so no, you don't have a date with dad." Rory quickly darted her eyes from Lorelai's intense gaze. She knew her mother would be attempting to burn her with her eyes. But she had no choice, she had to make her mother see reason. After all, she is the reasonable one in the family._

"_Please mom, just go home, think about it. Hell, why can't I say it, go think about Luke." _

"_Oh, I'm going home all right, but only because we're done here. I'll talk to you tomorrow, I just can't…I can't…I can't even deal with this now." And with that Lorelai stormed out of the kitchen. The door slammed quickly behind her and Rory wondered whether her mother had slammed it or the sheer quickness and force with which she had walked out of the room caused the jolt now surging through the Dragonfly._

After replaying their argument over in her head, Rory's anger began to subside. Slipping into the sheets, Rory felt utterly drained of emotion. These constant arguments were beginning to take a toll on their relationship and with all the stress of the paper, Logan's absence and her insane class load (her own fault, she knew) Rory needed her confidant. Looking at the clock, it was 12:20. I'll call tomorrow, she thought, as her eyelids fell shut. However, a phone call at 3 am awoke her before she could make any call.

"Yes, this is Rory Gilmore…..Wait, what? When? ….Okay, I'll be right there."


	2. Losing Lorelai

Hey...so this was formally "In Dreams & Memories" but that title just felt to corny. Or maybe I'm just strange right now, lol.

I've had this chapter & another sitting on my computer for months now and thought I should post it before I post another story for the LL Reunion Ficathon. But, if no one is going to read this one I'll just devote my energy soley to the Ficathon. So, if you like it, please please let me know!! Just a short review letting me know you'd like me to continue it. Either way, thanks for reading & hope you enjoy!!

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The screeching alarm pierced the silence hanging in the room. Luke, eyelids still drawn shut, blindly fumbled for the off button. Normally, Luke didn't mind the early wake-up calls, hazard of the business. However, today was different. It was that time of the year. November, damn November. Forcing his eyelids open, Luke stared up at the ceiling. There was not a single stream of light to penetrate the black blanket covering his apartment, however Luke's eyes quickly adjusted to their imposed blindness. In fact, Luke had become adept at seeing in the darkness, as he had seemed to live this way for months. Placing his feet against the cool wooden beams, he swiftly moved through the black stillness as he made the long treck from his bed to the bathroom. Well, not his bed, exactly. The full bed, the bed he had bought for Lorelai, shared with Lorelai, made plans with Lorelai in, that bed was no longer his. One night, exhausted due to a lunch and dinner rush that seemed to meld into one, he crashed on Jess' bed, not wanting to loose precious minutes of sleep trying to fight the urge to extrapolate her scent from the pillows, cursing it and loving it at the same time. After that, sleeping on his nephew's twin bed seemed like the only option. The twin bed, with only enough room for one. That was his life now. He marveled at how hard it had been to reconcile himself with that fact. He spent the greater part of his life embracing the "Mountain Man" (as Lorelai called it) persona, never making plans.

_"I broke my own rule. I asked for it."_

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"Never plan for anything more than two days in advance."_

_" That's your rule?"_

_"Yes, 'cause when you make plans, then you have expectations, and when you have expectations, then you will get disappointed."_

_"Having expectations also gives you something to look forward to."_

_" Yes, then you're looking forward to being constantly disappointed."_

Despite his own admission of this rule, he'd still done it. Made plans. Hell, he'd made a life around her. Remodeling her house for them to share. And now, now he was in that house, in their bed. The thought of Christopher lying in his bed, with his arm heavily and protectively draped around Lorelai's waist quelled an anger in Luke that could only be surpassed by…. Luke couldn't think of a single thing. Over the past few months Luke had reflected, in painstaking detail, the events that led up to Lorelai's infidelity. Looking back he can see the pain in her eyes when it came to April. No, not April. Him. He had shut her out, he had made her feel secondary. He had rebuffed her. He could still hear her words echoing in his head.

"_But I love you Luke, I love you."_

"_It's now or never!"_

In that moment, she seemed so desperate, so lost. That night had been hell, even before he learned of Lorelai's affair. At first, he'd been racked with anger, frustrated with her impatience and with her throwing all these grievances on him at once. But after he calmed, the guilt overcame him. Luke had always had a single-tract mind, needing to deal with things slowly and in his own way. He'd never had to account to anyone else in his life and then, suddenly, he had two people in his life, two people who needed his attention and love. He hadn't purposefully shut Lorelai out, that had never been his intention. But the realization that he had pushed her to this breaking point, to the point where she ceased being Lorelai, ceased believing in his love for her, that shook his being. Yet even with this new insight, Luke couldn't reconcile himself with her decision to sleep with Christopher. How could she claim to love him and then hours later spend the night with another man? Not just any man, but the one man who had torn them apart before. The one man whose voice sends Luke into a blind range. The one who abandoned her twice. The one who abandoned Rory.

The alarm shrieked again, penetrating his thoughts, and Luke realized he'd hit the snooze, not the off button. Okay, maybe his blindness was slightly impeding his functioning. The shrieking sound caused Luke to misfire his toothpaste from its rightful position on the toothbrush to the sink. Damn, he thought, that was the last of it. Sighing, the thought occur to him that he did have extra lying around—hers. Cinnamon, who buys cinnamon toothpaste? What's wrong with normal striped toothpaste? But then again, when did Lorelai ever do anything normal? Luke rocked back onto his heals, placing his arm on his hip, as he let out a grunt. He'd skillfully avoided such trademark Lorelai items (even going so far as to switching laundry detergent, they'd used the same brand, and of course, switching coffee brands), but he had to brush his teeth. Lifting his arm slowly, as if too quick a movement would cause physical pain, he reached for her toothpaste. However, right before he was to make contact, he retracted his hand. Doose's opens early, he thought.

While rectifying his alarm error, Luke caught glimpse of the time. Only twenty minutes of Lorelai thought this morning. Not an all time low, but respectable. Placing the black baseball cap tightly over his head, he headed downstairs. As soon as he entered the diner, Luke sensed it. There was a sweetness in the air, it smelled of berries and coffee. The scent stopped him, grounding him to his position, as he feared the slightest movement might disturb the molecules composing that intoxicating blend. He inhaled, breathing in deeply, absorbing the scent that he had tried to escape for months. Then he saw it. His baseball cap. It was resting on a chair at the counter, her chair. The connection between his brain and muscles seemed to be severed, as his mind longed to reach it, touch it, but his legs and arms remained motionless, unwavering in their positions. Luke's one-track mind spun into a flurry of thoughts, the questions overflowing his mind and his own capacity. Why was she here? Had something happened? When did she come? Was she okay? Taking in deep, slow breaths Luke cleared his head and finally re-established the connection between his brain and body. As he walked over to the chair, he was left with only one question: Why the hat? Why, out of all the ways to contact him, had she left this hat? Searching his mind, he recalled all the hat stories: the night she'd given it to him, the Rory and Lorelai talk about him in the hat (they didn't know he'd "overheard"), Lorelai's fascination with it and their nightly activities…then, the one memory he didn't want to recall came to mind: the moment he lost the hat, their last encounter.

"_Who's there?" Lorelai yelled, running over to her garage._

_Luke, his back to her, tensed as her voice still had the power to send his stomach into a blizzard. He had tried to be quiet, even avoiding leaves that would loudly crackle. Squeezing between the space separating his boat and the wall, he bent down to retrieve the bike pump. However, upon rising, Luke had quickly and forcefully banged his head against the wall, causing his hat to fly off, him to shout in pain and the garage to violently respond as well. Reaching the front of the garage, he met her gaze and softly muttered, "Sorry."_

_Lorelai froze at the sight of him. In fact, she froze beyond physical movement to the point where she hadn't even registered his words, only known his lips had slightly moved and his chest risen with each expelled breath. Biting her lower lip, Lorelai mulled over what next to say. Feeling his eyes upon her, knowing he could (always, well at least used to always, before April, before it) see into her mind, she sent her eyes shooting to the ground. "I…I thought it was a raccoon." Instantly, Lorelai regretted her choice of words, bringing up a memory of happiness that would only intensify the tension between them and the pain residing in her chest. _

_Luke registered the sadness in her voice as she uttered the last statement. Their last breakup had been excruciating on both sides. However, they later agreed they knew they loved each other too much, so much in fact, that they knew a breakup wouldn't be the end. As this memory flashed before Luke's eyes, he wondered weather Lorelai was reliving it as well. The answer yes instantly came to him because, despite everything, he still knew Lorelai. Breaking free of their memory, Luke stated, "Yeah, well…I was just getting April's bike," as he motioned to the pink object beside him. Luke perceived the sadness in Lorelai's eyes as she nodded in acceptance, first looking at the bike, then him. Their last conversation had been brutal, a verifiable street scene, all the dirty laundry aired. But with two weeks having passed, Luke could feel the anger between them had dissipated, they were both exhausted, defeated and empty._

_Lorelai's breath had become sharp and edgy. Playing nervously with her hands like Dennis, she knew she was about to play her last hand. Her mind was working overtime, trying desperately to assemble her normally scattered thoughts into beautiful, clear sentences. Thinking furiously, Lorelai tried to find some memory to play off, something she could say that would remind Luke of all they had. She scanned her memory, thinking of their friendship, their courtship, their marriage and then she saw it. With Luke standing before her, Lorelai could see their future in the perfect daydream. The wedding, the kids, the vacations and nights in, the grandkids, and then, her favorite dream—them as an old couple. _

_Luke placed his hands on April's bike, thumbing the handlebars, finding the silence he normally embraced unsettling. Looking at Lorelai, her eyes and being so distant, he took in her fragile state. Lorelai had never looked her age, until now. The circles under her eyes were deep and black and Luke realized, she must not be embracing physical appearance, since he knew of four different make-up products she had to combat this very problem. Her collarbone was more apparent and her hair was lacking its normal body and wave. More than that, her being lacked its normal radiance. Lorelai was the type who could instantly light up a room with her luster and fire, but now, now she was pale, the spark within burnt out. His beautiful, luminous Lorelai was fading right there before him. With this thought, Luke mentally scolded himself. She was not his anymore. She had chosen someone else, she'd chosen Christopher. Squelching the urge to embrace her, heal her, Luke drew a deep breath as he shifted his weight onto his right leg, propelling him slightly forward._

_Luke's movement snapped Lorelai out of her daydream. Eloquent speech be damned. By now Luke had taken five steps, brushing past her slowly, as he pushed April's bike along. Rapidly pivoting, Lorelai said what first came to mind, "I love you."_

_Luke stopped, unable to face her. He let his shoulders rise and fall as he exhaled loudly, unsure of what to do or say. Luke had always had an impenetrable wall placed between himself and the world. It was carefully constructed to protect and keep out, like a fortress. But, he knew, Lorelai could bring it crumbling down. Not wanting to be exposed again, he looked up slightly, drawing in deep breaths as he summoned the wall, even if it was just a façade._

"_I'm such a mess. I know I did the unthinkable, I did the one thing I knew could break us, but I have to believe that…that this, that you and me, we can't be broken. I hurt you because you hurt me and I know that makes me four, but….but….you know Luke, it's not just me who let this relationship fall apart. I was suffering, agonizing for months. I just wanted you to include me. Maybe if I had spoken up or you had seen me, maybe…" Lorelai felt the warm liquid falling from her face and tasting the salty tears, she felt her emotions begin to unpore. Running to Luke, she placed herself right before him, to the point where she could smell and feel his breath. "I love you…please, just…" Lorelai couldn't even finish her thoughts as she began to shake with her tears falling at record speed. _

_Involuntarily, Luke's hand reached out to Lorelai's face. He placed his hand softly on her cheek, as his other thumb began wiping the tears away. She trembled under his touch, leaning her head to the side to place her cheek deeper into his hand, closing her eyes at the warmth of his touch. She deeply inhaled his aroma of cologne and burgers, as if she was trying to capture him within her. The air between them was vitalizing and suffocating. Lorelai marveled at how someone, who is more essential to you than oxygen, could supply your breath as well as take it away. Opening her eyes slowly, she made contact with Luke's gaze. Closing the distant between them, she softly whispered, "I'm all in."_

_At this, Luke instantly retracted his hand from her face, stepping back out of her embrace. "Please Lorelai, don't say that."_

"_What? Why not?" Lorelai's voice conveyed her hurt, but she wasn't ready to let go of him. Stepping towards him again, she winced as he moved, once again, just out of her reach._

"_How could you claim to love me and the next minute sleep with Christopher? How Lorelai? Explain that to me? Explain how that is 'all in'." Luke's words had come out harsher and sharper than he had intended, but he couldn't apologize, he wouldn't._

"_What do you want from me? I was all in. Don't you see, don't you get it? You shut me out! You cut me out of your life." Lorelai was now shouting, her voice coming out raspy, as she felt her vocal chords being strained with the emotion they were conveying. "Do you not take any of the blame? You call 'all in' refusing to marry your so-called fiancée. Hell, not even marry, just talk to her, let her buy you some luggage!" _

"_Luggage? I asked you! I said I would send it back if it bothered you and I would have let you buy it for me if I knew that it meant so much to you." Luke's voice got quieter as he let out this last statement. Thinking back, he remembers her rambling about it and how truly okay she was with Anna's gift. Rambling, he thought, that should have been a clue. But, he knows all too well his ignorance during that time. The silence now blanketing them seemed to convey a longing to go back and right this simple wrong, hoping it could rectify the situation. But the situation is much more than that._

"_Oh Luke, I shouldn't have had to ask you. All I wanted was for you to see me, be with me." Lorelai's eyes seemed calmer, her breathing normal, as she spoke one of her purest desires._

"_I was with you! Everyday. I never stopped being with you, not for a second. I wanted to marry you, I was ready to go off, but then…" Luke looked down, realizing his hands had been balled into a fist, anger rising quickly in him, as it did anytime there was a mention of Christopher. "You know, you still haven't answered my question. Why did you sleep with Christopher? Was it the luggage? What was it that I was so horrible you had to go to him?" Luke's eyes burned with pain and resentment. The question of why she chose Christopher had been one of obsession for Luke and he was desperate to force an answer._

"_No, it wasn't the luggage! I mean….that's not even the point. There was no single thing, it was just…I felt so broken. Everytime you excluded me…" Lorelai paused, closing her eyes as she tried to prevent herself from reliving that pain while trying to find the words adequate to convey it at the same time. "It killed me, okay? Sometimes I think we're so connected that we can inhabit each other, and yes dirty, but we inhabit each other's thoughts as well. Do you know what it was like to be excluded from your life? From your thoughts? From your daughter?" Lorelai's voice quivered as she unsuccessfully tried to squelch the tears rising in her throat. Looking at Luke, she saw the glaze overcoming his eyes as well. Inspired by this display of emotion, dare she think it, of affection, Lorelai continued, "I am sorry okay? I did a horrible thing, I know that. I've been in aching, soul-deadening pain because of that! The fear of loosing you is excruciating." Lorelai wrapped her arms around her stomach, as she could feel her inners snaking into loops and twists. Her fingernails were digging into her sides and she noted that the pain she was inflicting on herself was slightly cathartic. This isn't healthy, she thought. Drawing breath Lorelai continued, eager to make Luke see the distraught nature behind her infidelity, eager to make him realize it wasn't symbolic of her loss of love for him, instead it was a symptom of her distress at loosing his love. "But Luke, couldn't you see how miserable I was? I thought you didn't care, that you didn't want to marry me, that I was loosing you! At Lane's wedding I drank myself into oblivion, sick with the feeling that the man I wanted to spend forever with barely had time to see me, let alone be with me."_

_Luke eyes widened as Lorelai shared this last piece of information. He recalled the night, the late phone call he made, her uncharacteristically simple explanation of the ceremony. No mention of pain, neglect. In fact, that had been a good week. That week she saved April's party. Then, he closed his eyes, as he realized what that week must have felt like for her. Excited at the prospect of being included with April, Luke replayed the hurt and pain in her eyes when he informed Lorelai of his conversation with Anna. How could he have not seen it then? Lorelai's soft sniffle drew him back to reality. "I am sorry I was absent, but I never, not once stopped loving you and I always wanted to marry you. I just needed time. I needed you to trust us." Luke sighed, realizing what he needed to say next, "I needed you not to run to him." _

"_And I needed you to run with me."_

_With that their eyes silently met each other. They were at an impasse. Normally this would result in a cooling off period, a couple of days of tense conversation culminating in a concession meeting and then a fabulous makeup. But both knew this wasn't a normal situation. Too much had happened, too much had been said, too much had been unsaid. They had once thought their mutual stubbornness was one of the factors that made them perfect for each other, but here, at this moment, it was their downfall. They broke their gaze, each allowing their eyes to fall to the ground. After what seemed like an eternity of silence, Luke returned to April's bike and began the long walk down Lorelai's driveway._

_Stop, turn, please. She heard her voice in her head, screaming in far off pain, but it was to no avail. She was motionless, numb with the agony of it all. Her mind was a flurry of thoughts, of memories that would never be created. _

_Luke could feel Lorelai beckoning him to come back. He suddenly felt as though he was a person with a split identity, the one before he was with Lorelai and the one after. Reaching the corner, he slightly paused, but then quickly continued on. He had lost Lorelai and with that, he chose an identity._

His bread supplier knocked loudly on the door. How long had he been standing there, gazing at the baseball cap, frozen in time? The knocking got louder, with the beating more fierce and quick. The noise startled him, his leg bumping into the seat and dislocating a thin, white envelope. Bending down to retrieve it, he instantly recognized the handwriting. He ran his fingers along his name, the force of the pen having been sufficient to leave indentations on the envelope. A jolt ran through his body as he was gripped with the knowledge that he was touching something she had just touched hours, possibly minutes ago. This time the knocks on the door where loud enough for his "No Cell Phones" sign to make a sharp bang as it reverberated against the wall. Folding the letter in two, he delicately slipped it in his back pocket, not wanting to sever the connection.

"I'm coming! Keep your pants on!"

* * *

_"Uh, hi Chris, it's me. I just, ya know, wanted to say hi, so hi. Uh, I know Rory said we were having a girl's night, but…see, actually…there's something I wanted to talk to you about…see, um, I was thinking and it was kinda…Gaw, I suck at leaving messages…Can you please just call me when you get this. I should be home tonight, so yeah, call…I just, yea, we just need to talk…So, uh, I guess I'll talk to you soon…I don't mean that you have to call me the instant you get this…but I mean, if you do get this and you're up, that, that would be okay…So, talk to you later, okay? Okay…Bye."_

Chris replayed the voice message for the fifth time in a ten-minute period. Lorelai loved to ramble, but this wasn't a typical Lorelai message. Instead, her quick and witty sentences were choppy, her pace was uneven and her pitch a mess. Chris rubbed his temples, feeling the all too frequent headache settle in. For weeks now, Lorelai had been distracted, distant. He hadn't known how to respond, except to be patient. After all, their relationship had come so far. On his part, Chris knew he would do everything in his power to make this relationship work. Lorelai was the one, he was positive. And he, unlike Luke, wouldn't lose her.

However, he couldn't help his anxiousness when he heard her message. Rory's was so vague on her reason for canceling their date, so quick to dodge any specifics that Christopher was initially worried something bad had happened between her and Logan. But after Lorelai's call, he began to wonder if it was another man who was behind his daughter's altered voice. After all, there was only one man who had truly ever penetrated the Gilmore girls' inner circle. Christopher hadn't realized the extent of his presence until his conversation with Rory following his and Lorelai's breakup.

_"She needed a friend Dad! Couldn't you see she was devastated?" Rory screamed. Her vocal chords felt strained, the ten minutes she had been talking with her father were enough to do significant damage._

_"Rory, I've tried to explain this to you before…Me and your mom, we're supposed to be together. Now maybe the way it happened wasn't the best, but I won't go apologizing for it, I won't admit that getting a chance again with the best thing in my life was a mistake." Chris sighed deeply. Here they were again, arguing over his place in Lorelai's life. He considered telling her this wasn't even her business, but he knew where that conversation would lead—more screaming._

_Rory's pupils enlarged with her outrage. How could he not have seen the damage this would do to Lorelai? "She had just broken up with Luke! I mean, it's Luke." Rory's voice came out the softest and sweetest it had all night, as if bringing him up brought a peace to her._

_"I'm well aware of who it was Rory. Look, I know you cared about Luke and I'm sure this is hard on you too, but just give it a chance, give me a chance. I really want this to work with your mom. You'll see, it'll be good. We'll be a family." Chris smiled at his daughter, as he reached out to stroke her arm._

_Rory blew out a loud sigh, tightening her arms across her chest in response to her father's touch. "Dad, look at the history? You've always promised to be there. You promised at Sookie's wedding. Then you left us. Do you know how long it took us to recover? And then you promised to be there, just as a friend to mom and now look. I'm trying so hard to trust you, but you make it really difficult, you know?" Looking up to her father, Rory's eye's brimmed with tears._

_"I'm sorry about that kid. You have no idea how much it kills me that we lost all this time, me and your mom, me and you. But we can make up for it now." He reached for his daughter again, trying to bring her into his embrace._

_Rory leaned into Chris, resting her head on his chest. Then, suddenly, she retracted, remembering what had brought her here today, remembering the heartache her mother was feeling because of Chris's involvement in her life. "You still don't get it. Mom loves Luke."_

_"Rory, I know she's sad now, but she'll get over it, really."_

_"No, dad, she won't. I just, oh Dad, you know I love you, but I love mom too and I just want what's best for her."_

_"Wait a minute…Rory, do you think your mom's better off with Luke than me?" Chris's voice quivered as he uttered this question, fearful of her answer. He knew that Luke had been a presence in Rory's life for years now, and he'd even felt threatened by Luke's relationship with his daughter at the wedding, but knowing that he might hear his daughter prefer another man to him made Chris feel faint._

_Rory bit her lower lip, digging her teeth into her lip, as if she was trying to buy time. Rory knew the answer. It's Luke, it's always been Luke. Unable to vocalize it however, Rory simply stared at her father, as she finally unclenched her jaw. _

_Christopher's winced, stung with the unspoken truth, but determined to make Rory see his point of view. "Look Rory, the only thing that matters here is how your mother feels. And if she'll have me, I'm going to be with her and I'm going to make this work. We finally have our chance. So I'm sorry if you're upset, but this is happening." _

_With that Rory let out perhaps her loudest, most exasperated sigh and drew breath for round two._

His conversation with Rory had continued several minutes longer. Eventually, he'd pushed it to the back of his mind, convincing himself that Rory couldn't see what he and Lorelai had and had a misplaced faith in Lorelai's love for Luke. But at that moment, as he replayed Lorelai's message for the sixth time, he heard the guilt mixed in with anxiousness and thought, maybe Rory was right all along. He was losing Lorelai, and in fact, maybe he'd never had her.

* * *

Thanks for reading! Now please please be kind and review! Remember if you want this to continue at all, please let me know!!! 


	3. Critical

Okay, so here it is...Chapter 3! Thanks for the reviews, I do plan on continuing this story...however, due to the lack of interest, I am going to focus on the reunion fic for a while...School is crazy busy, I barely have enough time to keep up there. However, since I do love this story, I want to finish it. I had originally planned on at least 10 chapters, but I'm very open to suggestions.

PLEASE let me know if you have any ideas, things you'd like to see!! You have no idea how much reviews mean. And speaking of reviews, some responses...

_ggpassion_**-** You know how I adore your story...so your review means a lot! ) Thanks. And yep, Rory loves Luke. I think you'll see that in this chapter.

_scazydramaqueen282- _I avoided post-Partings fics for the longest time too! It can get hard...but thank goodness, things are starting to look up! I'm glad you enjoyed the fight. It doesn't sound odd. I enjoyed writing it. IMO, Lorelai is still in denial. So, the answer to if something bad happened is below...

_LorLukalways-_ Yes, Chris does need a reality check! Hope he gets it in the series too. As for in my story, believe me...well, you'll see. I'm glad you felt Lorelai's pain--I tried really hard to get that across.

_lynndaily- _Thanks for the feedback. I'll definetly keep it in mind!

_LukeandLorelaiR4ever1492- _Thanks for reading! And I think my feelings about Chris will come out this chapter...

_theseadrownedthesun-_ I agree, Rory should have reacted this way. I wrote that before S7aired & was pretty disappointed by her acceptance of CL. I choose a different perspective for Rory in my story. Thanks for reviewing...btw, love Delicate!

* * *

Rory's head was buzzing, swirling with all the snippets of information that had flooded her brain in the past hour. Car. Crash. Critical. In the distance, she could hear her grandparents, endlessly questioning (more like harassing) the staff. Richard demanded the establishment respect the Gilmore name as Emily did her best Shirley McClain impersonation, arranging for the room with the best light, softest pillows and, Rory could only assume, whatever the hospital equivalent of a penthouse suite was. Shoving her hand into her pocket, she felt for her cell phone. Who else to call? Sookie was on her way, Lane was out of town with the band and Christopher was motionless to her right. Sighing deeply, she fell into her chair beside her father.

Rory never handled extra time well. She was always the girl with lists, organized to the point of being anal. But here, she was left with nothing to do. Her hand moved aimlessly and languidly around her face, picking up strands of hair, twirling them, and then, her nails eventually found their way between her clenched teeth. Rory had clenched so hard, her already wafer-thin nail had broken in her mouth. In an attempt to gain control of herself, she removed her nails from her mouth, extended her fingers out to their maximum reach, clutched her knee caps and dug her nails deep into her flesh, hoping to steady her jittering body. When her body finally stopped quivering, Rory felt her tension lessen, as she softened her grip, allowing her hands to fall limp against the soft fabric of her pants. As she rubbed her palms against the soft fabric of her pants, Rory's mind cleared as a memory came instantly into view.

"_Hey mom." _

"_Why hello Winona, how are you doing today?"_

_Rory rolled her eyes at her mother's surly tone. It'd been two weeks since Rory had taken her mother's black stretch slacks and she'd call, every day, at two o'clock, to remind her of the crime. "For the last time, you're not getting these pants back," Rory stated with conviction._

"_You'd steal from your own mother, the woman who birthed you? Who sacrificed her years of beauty to…" Lorelai stopped mid-sentence, distracted by Rory's laughter. Fine, she thought, as she switched tactics. "C'mon Rory! Those pants make me look amazing. I'm talking move over Heidi Klum amazing! Pretty please, I'll be your best friend!" Lorelai stated._

"_Nice try, but Heidi Klum, really mom? Just let this go. In fact, we should just call it even," Rory stated. Her voice sounded more bubbly as she uttered this last statement. Although Rory acted annoyed with these daily interrogations, she secretly enjoyed their banter. Lately, their conversations were so tense with the mention of Christopher. But here, within the safe haven of accusations of larceny, Rory felt like her mother and her connected._

"_And why should we do that?" _

"_Please mom, like you didn't steal my lip gloss," Rory laughed as she stated this, knowing that finally, she had the upper hand in this conversation. She'd only hours earlier discovered her missing item._

"_Excuse me! It was called Orgasm! You did not expect me to let my baby girl wear that," said Lorelai. She held the lip-gloss in her hand as she talked to her daughter, silently glad that Rory didn't remember she was the one who had recommended it in the first place, it was Sephora approved, after all._

"_Uh-huh, says the woman with Vicious Trollop lipstick," Rory responded. She still marveled that her mother had convinced Emily Gilmore to wear it, but then again, there was nothing Lorelai Gilmore couldn't accomplish—well, almost nothing._

"_I'm the mom, I'm allowed!" Lorelai proclaimed, in her best sing-song voice._

_Rory sensed the stubborn mode coming on and knew that she couldn't endure another ten minutes of this ping-pong conversation. "Oh darn mother, I have to get to class," Rory stated. _

"_No, don't you dare hang up this phone…We are not done here…I will come pull a Mission Impossible and reclaim the pants!" Lorelai shouted._

"_Bye mom, love you too!"_

Two days ago, that had been just two days ago and that had been their last pleasant conversation. Their last conversation, well that had been…No, thought Rory. She refused to let herself think of it. But soon, Rory found herself recalling another memory and then another. She realized exactly what she was doing—trying to remember everything about her mother, like she was already… At the thought of this, Rory felt her chest tighten, as her breathing became sharper. Rory's shoulders immediately slumped, as the gravity of the morning seemed to pull her toward the ground and she, powerless, would have fallen to the floor had it not been for the chair supporting her. Her body temperature was rapidly rising, as the wave of fear and anxiety finally toppled over her. It was as if, at that moment, her world—her comfort, her confidence, her security—was crumbling around her. A small moan escaped from her lips, as Rory buried her face in her hands, hunching over with her elbows now on her knees. Closing her eyes, Rory noticed the buzzing was now replaced with paralyzing silence, as they all were in limbo, waiting for an answer, fearing an answer. Rory felt the buildup in her throat yearn to come out and the pressure behind her eyes was becoming painful, as she withheld tears she was not ready to shed. Christopher softly placed his left hand on his daughter's back, rubbing circles.

"Oh dad," Rory murmured, as she slipped her hand though her father's free hand. Her internal nerves had now manifested themselves as visible shaking. Rory was about to open her mouth once again, allow a wave of anguish to leave her lips, but before she could, Rory heard Christopher gasp for air. Violent sobs overtook his body as he squeezed his daughter's hand with both of his. Now, she was rubbing circles into his back.

Rory caught her grandmother's eyes and with her own, pleaded for reinforcement. Emily swiftly went to Christopher's side. Slipping her hand out of his grip, Rory placed her hands on her knees. Rounding her back up, she forcefully pushed herself out of the chair, feeling that if she tried this action delicately, she would shatter. Rory stood, at first shaky, but then with slow resolve.

"Coffee," she said. Rory's voice was barely audible as she looked down at Emily. "I need coffee," she repeated, louder this time, and Emily nodded in acknowledgement.

With that Rory quickened her pace, heading down the hallway, heading to the only person she could knew she could rely upon, the only person who could possibly comprehend her pain.

* * *

Looking to her right, Rory realized she was miraculously in front of the diner. In fact, she almost overshot it and had to come to a sudden, screeching halt in the spot right behind Luke's truck. Rory thought back, what roads had she taken? Was the highway busy with traffic? Had she turned on the radio? Her mind was a blank. Looking at the clock she realized she had cut her drive time in half. Sluggishly, she made her way to the diner. At this point, her emotional exhaustion was at an all time high and to walk Rory had to repeat to herself "one foot, then the other." Throwing the door open, the bell resounded loudly as Luke's eyes caught hers. 

He bolted from his position behind the counter, concern filling his eyes. Rory looked weak, worn. Her face seemed pale and her eyes lacked that Gilmore-sparkle. Her hands were gathered together at her stomach, fidgeting, her chest rose and fell with impressive speed, and she was noticeably shaking. And somehow, Luke didn't know quite how, Rory seemed shorter. No, it was more than that. She seemed smaller, younger. He went to close the distance between them. "Rory," he spoke softly, afraid that a loud sound might cause her to shatter.

"Mom is…there was this car…and…they don't know if," Rory rambled. She was unable to complete any single thought, the reality of her words stinging her. Thus, Rory gave up all speech, as she fell into Luke's arms. The sobs overpowered her and she buried her face into Luke's flannel. Rory clung to his embrace. She let her whole body go limp, with Luke the only thing to keep her from falling under.

Luke had to steady himself as Rory threw all her weight onto him. He placed his arms tightly around her, feeling her sink into his embrace. Fear overtook his mind, as he began anticipating what had reduced Rory to this quivering girl before him. Luke felt her grip of his shirt loosen, as her sobs turned to quiet moans. Pushing his own fears aside, he gently rubbed her back and whispered, "It's okay, it'll be okay," into her ear.

After a few minutes, Rory regained the feeling in her legs and although Luke wasn't much for talking in general, she knew she owed him an explanation. Backing herself out of his embrace, she braced herself for what she was about to say. Looking at Luke in the eyes, she could see the fear in her own eyes reflected back in his. It was a unique sight, vulnerability from Luke.

Taking a deep breath, Rory began, "Apparently mom was out driving last night, late. This car side-swiped hers and well, the Jeep," but she couldn't continue. Her voice began to trail off, as she fought back the tears rising in her throat. Luke softly touched her elbow, eliciting a small smile from her pale face. She closed her eyes, drew a deep breath, and then, summoning all the strength she had left, Rory fluttered her eyelids open and said, "She's in Hartford, in critical condition and they don't know Luke…they don't know." She couldn't bring herself to continue that statement, let alone that thought. But she knew it was okay, Luke understood the Gilmore girls.

A fresh wave of tears stained Rory's cheeks and, again, Luke brought her into his embrace. "Shh, it's going to be okay," he stated, but at this point, he wasn't sure who he was trying to reassure more. As he stood with Rory in the middle of the diner, all eyes focused on them, Luke wondered why Rory had come to him. But as Luke felt the numbness spread throughout his body, the tears rising in his chest, he realized the answer. Lorelai was critical, his Lorelai, Rory's Lorelai, their Lorelai. Instinctively, Luke knew what he had to do, what his role was in the lives of the Gilmore girls. Placing his arm firmly around Rory's waist, he allowed her to lean her weight on him as he ushered her outside to his truck.

The drive to Hartford was spent in deafening silence, the two lost in their own thoughts and fears. As they pulled into the hospital parking lot, Luke removed his seatbelt and began to take the keys out of the ignition, but he paused, noticing Rory frozen beside him. Her uncharacteristic silence was now beginning to frighten him.

"Rory," he stated, more like a question than a name.

"We had a fight…yesterday…the last thing I remember, she was just so mad at me," she said. Her voice was hollow and Luke knew that if she could cry anymore, she would at that moment. Turning to face him, Rory's face filled with color, as it expressed the regret overtaking her body. "Sometimes I feel like all we do is fight. It's just, everything's been so screwed up lately, nothing has been right. And why was she out late driving? Why?" she cried. Her voice was bordering on anger, as she felt the guilt surge through her body. "I mean, maybe if I hadn't," she began, wanting to verbalize her guilt, needing to.

"No," Luke firmly stated. Reaching out to grab her shoulder, he squeezed it softly. "This is not your fault, okay?" he said. Luke lowered his head, trying to make contact with Rory's eyes, make her accept his statement.

"Okay," she meekly stated. Then, bringing her face level again, she said, "It's just…I can't even believe this is real. Nothing's like it's supposed to be."

No, it isn't, Luke thought, but it will be. As this thought ran through his mind, Luke was gripped with anguish—the letter. That's why she'd been out late, that's why she was here. The thought made Luke nauseous and infuriated. Hours ago he'd thought that letter was the beginning and now, now it could be… His train of thought was interrupted by Rory's cell phone.

"I'm sorry Grandma…No, I did not just run off…Of course I know that…What? When…Okay, we'll be right there," she said, the annoyance in her voice apparent. At least some things don't change, Luke thought.

"She's coming out of surgery soon," Rory stated, quickly gathering her purse in her hands and reaching for the door handle. However, she retracted upon making contact with the metal and swiftly turned to Luke. "Is she…I mean…do you think she'll be okay?" she asked. Rory's voice was timid and sounded much more like the twelve-year-old he met than the twenty-two-year-old before him.

"Yes," Luke responded, quickly and confidently.

"Okay, okay," she repeated to herself, a small grin playing on her lips. "I just, I couldn't do without her," Rory stated, as she scooted off the seat and out the car door.

As Luke went to remove his keys from the ignition, he stated to himself, "Me either," before heading out with Rory, toward Lorelai.

* * *

So, what did you think? Please please me ever so kind and review! Any thoughts on where you'd like the story to go? Conversations you'd like to see? Memories you'd like rememered? 

Thanks for reading!


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